Attack of the Narutards
by Marysue Squad 673
Summary: Two Narutards and their cat get into the Naruto world and become ninjas. They have to take the chunin exams, while also trying to take things seriously. Oh god, this isn't going to end well... Crack. Makes fun of other self-insertion/mary-sue fics.
1. The Horror Begins

**A/N: This is like...... A random story that's kind of making fun of Mary Sues. Yeah.... Um... We can't really think of what to put here right now but we will when the time comes. xD**

**WE DUN OWN NARUTO! (thankfully)**

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* * *

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"… So?"

"So…"

"What should we do with it?"

"I don't know"

Three girl sat cross legged in a living room on a carpet in the middle of the floor. Forgotten video games, soda cans, and a pizza box littered the floor around them. They stared in the lap of the owner of the house with un-readable expressions on their faces.

"We could play with it…" a girl with red hair with green eyes with brown flecks in them said trailing off at the end of her sentence.

"Wow! Cheyenne that's got to be the best Idea you've had all night!" said a girl with blood red hair and grey eyes, mocking the red headed girl.

"Shut up Haley!" said Cheyenne giving the blood red headed girl the middle finger and sticking her tongue out.

"Guys stop don't fight, especially over something as stupid as Haley" said the owner of the house, sarcastically. She had black hair and chocolate brown eyes.

Haley rolled her eyes and said "Shut up Emily" plopping on the floor next to the black haired girl pushing her onto her back.

"Annoying, little…" she trailed of muttering things under her breath the others couldn't hear.

"Back on the subject please. What are we going to do with it?" Cheyenne said pointing in Emily's lap.

"Wow its really hairy!" Screamed Haley rubbing it with her hand. Emily looked at her oddly.

"Were you expecting it not to be?" she questioned.

"Yeah well look at this thing!" Cheyenne said falling over as she poked it.

"It is my pussy" Emily said shrugging her shoulders.  
"Its so cute! Look at its wet little nose!" Haley said poking its nose.

'MEOOOW!'

"Ow!, don't poke him when he's in my lap!" screamed Emily as the cat scratched her lap, then proceeded to go sit on the recliner.

"I didn't expect him to scratch you!" Haley said in defense.

"Well he did!"

"Fuzzy come here boy" Cheyenne said trying to get Fuzz to go to her.

"Cheyenne, he's not going to come to you when he's sitting on that chair unless you get him, which I don't recommend. He'll most likely scratch your eyes out if you try" Emily said to Cheyenne, rolling her eyes in annoyance.

"B-b-but Emily!" Cheyenne whined.

"Seriously, no joke, I don't recommend it, I think he's cat PMS-ing" Emily said shaking her head.

"Can cats PMS?" Haley asked.

Emily and Cheyenne ignored her comment and looked over at fuzz who seemed to be glaring at them with a glare that could only suit a kitty.

Suddenly Cheyenne's stomach growled loudly.

"I'm hungry!" she cried.

"Cheyenne why don't you go make us some popcorn" Emily suggested with a smile.

"Woo! Popcorn!" Haley added, her voice coming from above them.

Emily looked up, confused. " What are you doing on my ceiling?"

Haley was hanging upside down from her feet on the ceiling. Emily thought about what she had just said and quickly added " And don't you dare even think about saying 'hanging out'"

Haley changed what she was going to say and instead said "I tied duck tape to the bottom of my shoes and walked up onto the ceiling"

No one had any comment. Cheyenne just got up and went to get popcorn. Unfortunately, on her way, Haley fell off the ceiling at the exact moment and fell on top of her, rendering her unconscious.

As Haley pushed herself off of the floor Emily looked at Cheyenne with moderate concern.

"She's gonna be out for a while…" she said shrugging.

Haley nodded with agreement. "What should we do while she unconscious?"

Emily paused to think. "Well, we could write something."

"Like what?" They both thought for a moment.

Within ten minutes, they had set off into imagination land and were writing a story about what would happen if they fell into the world of Naruto.

"Why do I have the feeling were going to get flamed?" Haley questioned about halfway done with a page.

"I don't know but- Oh my God your foot is on fire!"

They frantically set out the fire when suddenly a random vortex of doom appeared out of no where things began flying around the room.

"Okay I'm awake!" Cheyenne said throwing her arms up in victory, only to have a TV slam into the back of her head from the wind of the vortex.

"No your not!" Emily and Haley screamed in unison.

"Oh noes my pussy!" Emily suddenly screamed as Fuzz was sucked into the vortex. Quickly Emily ran in after her furry friend.

" Emily no! Stop! don't leave me with this weenie!" Haley screamed running in after Emily and her cat.

* * *

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" exclaimed our two heroines of the story, falling into a random abandoned chicken coop.  
"Ow! Where are we?" asked Haley.

"I don't know" said Emily.

"Get the fuck off me!" screamed Fuzz pushing them off, who for some reason was now a blonde human. Though he still sported his peachy cat ears.

"Aww! Look at the little chicky!" said Haley petting a baby chick that appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Suddenly, it turned into a giant chicken with three heads and a dragon tail.

"Omg!" She screamed hiding behind the now human Fuzz who was licking his hand and rubbing it on his cat ears.

"Kai" Emily screamed using the hand sign for Genjutsu release hardly believing that it worked.

Haley sat with clouded eyes in the fetal position, her hands over her head, completely unaware that the chicken monster thing had disappeared.

Emily and Fuzz ignored her stupidity, being they knew she would figure it out on her own eventually. Instead they focused on the current problem at hand. There were ANBU members surrounding them.

"Who are you? State your business," one of them said demandingly through his emotionless mask with unmoving lips.

The two were unsure for a moment, but eventually collected their nerves. Fuzz was the first to speak.

"We're a shinobi team from the yoai-fan-girl Village," his voice was a false calm. "My name is Fuzz"

"And I'm Emiko Randamu" The girl you previously knew as Emily said "This is my sister, Hotaru Randamu," she gestured toward the embarrassed girl pulling herself off the ground. "We were heading towards the Village hidden in the leaves but our map blew away in the breeze, so we got lost"

"We're here for the Chunin exams," Fuzz said, showing them a card signed by the Kage of their home Village.

The man examined it for a moment before handing back to the three.

"It seems legitimate, but I've never heard of your village. You'll have to speak to the Hokage," he said signaling for the team of confused teenagers to follow.

They were taken through a twisting path in the forest, winding around trees and bushes (No not George Bush) until they came upon a large wooden gate that we like to call, "Big-ass-gate-o-doom."

They were taken through the streets when Fuzz randomly stopped and looked to Hotaru and Emiko with wide eyes. "I just realized something!" he exclaimed smiling widely, showing them his fangs.

"What?" they both questioned looking at him for his answer.

"This" he said simply smacked them both upside the head. "I have thumbs now! Think of the endless things I could do with them!"

Emiko and Hataru shivered and ran to catch up to the ANBU, Fuzz trailing a little behind them, still smiling widely.

They stopped at a large building in the center of the hugest 'Village' they had ever seen.  
The team was taken up a few floors and through many winding hallways. There were people all throughout the place, working, waiting, talking. Though it seemed that every time the team walk passed someone, they'd stop and stare at them. Well, mostly Fuzz.

They were eventually brought to a set of doors and were told to wait there. The head ANBU went into the room.

"Okay, what the crap is going on?" Hotaru asked, clearly confused.

"Well while you were curled into a ball like the little annoying baka you are," Fuzz said, irritated, "We got taken here to talk to the Hokage,"

"Emiko! Fuzz called me annoying Baka!!" Hotaru yelled in a whiny voice.

"Fuzz, respect you elders young man" Emiko said calmly looking at Fuzz annoyed.

"What! Your only fourteen!" He exclaimed angrily.

"And your what? Only one?" she said, grinning slightly because she knew she had won.

"And a half" he muttered moodily.

Suddenly the ANBU came out of the room with a sigh, "You may see the Hokage now" then walked down the hall, leaving them alone. They then proceeded to enter the room where they saw the Hokage at his desk, a warm smile on his face.

"Come in"

* * *

**A/N:**

**Haley/Hotaru: Soooo...... What 'cha think!?**

**My cat/Fuzz: it sucks...**

**Emily/Emiko: Screw you, Fuzz! What do you know? You just a cat!**

**Fuzz: *hisses***

**Haley/Hotaru: Reviews make me happy.... *hint**hint**nudge**nudge***

**Emily/Emiko 'n' Fuzz: Okay we get it already!**


	2. In which Intro's Suck

Chapter 2

"They're taking the hobbits to Isenguard!" Emiko and Hotaru screamed in unisen as they ran into the Hokage's office. Fuzz just glared after then and slapped his own face.

"Why did we just say that?" Hotaru whispered.

"I don't know, but I've always wanted to say that to someone important," Emiko answered.

"Your both idiots," Fuzz sighed.

Emiko and Hotaru glared at him for a moment before the old man cleared his throat, reminding them of his presence. The remembered what they were supposed to be doing again.

"The ANBU informed me that you're from an unkown village," he stated.

"Our village only recently became a ninja village," Fuzz explained. "We've kept our existence secret to prevent being attacked,"

"I see," The third Hokage said "So this is the first time your village has participate in the chunin exams?"

"Hai"

The old man nodded. "Alright, well you did present passes to be here," he pause. "Your aloud to participate,"

"Woot!" screamed Emiko, throwing her fist into the air.

"Wooo! Wait a second don't we need a place to stay?" questioned Hotaru, looking over to the old man.

"Well right now we have two conveniently open apartments next to the sand people whose names I cannot remember," The Hokage said handing them a key.

"Bye, Cracka-jacka!" Emiko said as they left the office.

The three walked out the door of the office and out of the Hokage;s mansion and into the streets.

"So what do we do now?" Emiko asked, her hands held behind her head as she walked.

"Well let's see," Fuzz said. "We've just been given keys to an apartment we've never seen. Maybe, just maybe, we should go, I dunno, Look at it?!" his voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"Don't have to be an ass about it," Hotaru said, crossing her arms over her chest.

Fuzz stuck his tongue out at them.

They kept walking down the streets, avoiding everyone else and somehow not running into anything even though they weren't looking where they were going.

They eventually came by two teams talking to each other. Two of the six ninjas were really emo looking. Well… one of them was 'cause he had hair shaped like a chicken's butt. The other one just looked like a Goth… thing. Anyway!

"Why does that guy have a giant pair of fake boobs on his back?" Hotaru whispered to her sister, gesturing toward the Goth thing.

"I don't know, but that one dude has hair shaped like a headless chicken," Emiko whispered back.

The red haired goth thing was spoken to by the chicken hair dude. "You with the gourd on your back. What's your name?"

"Oh, it's a gourd," Emiko whispered.

"I am Sabaku no Gaara," The Goth thing said, nodding his head towards chicken ass.

Hotaru had stars in her eyes and was staring at the goth thing named Gaara with a look that was somewhere between checking him out and wanting to eat him.

"Shit!" Fuzz and Emiko said in unison, looking at their friend.

"Ooooh! My name's Hotaru and I can do this!" she said, pulling out random duct tape, tying up the Sasuke thing and proceeded to throw him into a conveniently placed trashcan. Then she kicked him down the street and watched with pride as he rolled into random people like a bowling ball.

"Sasuke-kun!" the pink-haired-wonder screamed, running after her teammate. She left behind the orange, blonde boy with clear blue eyes. He was laughing at Sasuke's humility until he realized he was left alone.

"Sakura-chan! Where are you going?!" he yelled after her.

"Naruto-baka!" was heard faintly in the distance along with some other random shouting.

"Hotaru! What have I told you about tying up emo kids with duct tape and throwing them in conveniently placed trashcans and throwing them down the street?" Emiko scolded her, her arms still rested lazily behind her head.

"That it's wrong and frowned upon in most societies…." Hotaru sighed.

"No, that's cannibalism," she said, then looked over her shoulder to be surprised that the sand ninja were still standing there.

"Hn… Forgive my sister. I'm Emiko Randamu and this is Fuzz and Hotaru. Oh and if you try to mess with them, I'll kill you… Slowly," she said, smiling at them

"Ha! Like you could touch this!" The makeup kitty said, arrogantly gesturing toward his lard-tastic body.

"What are your names?" Questioned Fuzz, his ears twitching cutely.

"Aww! Fuzz, your so cute!" Emiko said.

"I'm not cute! I'm manly as fluff!" he said, aggravated.

"Um…" the blonde one looked confused. "I'm Temari,"

"I'm Kankuro," makeup kitty said, nodding his head.

"And I am Sabaku no Gaara," Senior Gothy pants said.

"How come _you're _the only one with a title?" Emiko asked.

Gaara said nothing and just stared at them.

"Fine don't answer my question…" Emiko muttered.

"Kay, so your name is Gaara," she confirmed what he'd said.

"No. He said his name was _Gaara_," Hotaru corrected her.

"That's what I said," She defended.

"No, you didn't roll the 'r'. It's _Gaara_, not Gaara," her sister said.

"It doesn't matter!" Emiko said, exasperated.

"Yeah! it kinda does!" she yelled back.

"Yeah? How?"

"This is a Japanese show so you have to roll the r's!"

"What the hell does that have to do with anything?"

"You have to say it that way!"

"No you don't!"

"Yeah you do!"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Yes"

"No"

"Okay! This is getting us nowhere!" Hotaru sighed. "Guy's? Whose right?"

Just then, they noticed no one was there accept for Fuzz, who was smashing his face against the fence

"You do have to…." Hotaru mumbled.

"No you friggen don't!" Emiko yelled.

"Let's just go find the apartment," Fuzz sighed.


	3. Yay!

**A/N: Chapter was written by Emily and edited by Haley**

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Emiko, Hotaru, and Fuzz walked in silence, each thinking to themselves as they headed to the ninja academy for the first exam. Suddenly Hotaru has an epiphany. She stopped in her tracks, causing Fuzz and Emiko to stop and look at her questioningly.

"I just realized something!" She exclaimed throwing her hands in the air and smiling. She looked to Emiko and Fuzz, who looked rather surprised at her outburst.

"We're here in the ninja world where we'll most likely die!" She announced happily as she did a small twirl. "Not only that but we're in a foreign place and have no clue as to what we're doing and we'll probably never see our parents ever again!"

"Hn, Baka. Odds are we'll either; A) Die and go home, perfectly un-harmed, B) Our writers will get bored and skip a generation just to start writing shipudden, or C) We fall in love and stay here forever. I myself hope it's the latter" Fuzz says looking at Emiko who was staring at the ground suddenly she bursts out crying and shoves her face into Fuzz's chest.

"I never want to go back to that place ever again! I had a horrible life. I remember like it was seven seconds ago," She says looking to the sky with a glazed over expression.

-----------------------FLASHBACK-----------------------------------------------------------------

"Mommy!" Little Emily screamed as her father was about to hit her with the broken bottle he found littered amongst the garbage on the floor.

Suddenly a short brown haired woman with blue eyes jumped in front of her shielding her from the painful blows.

"Shh!" She cooed to her daughter smiling a pain filled smile. "It'll be okay sweetheart just remember no matter what happens Mommy loves you forever and ever" She stoked her hair soothingly.

A line of blood comes outs of her mouth and her eyes started to glaze over from the pain she looked down at her daughter and smiled sadly. Placing a swift kiss to her daughters forehead leaving a bloody lip mark as if she was wearing lipstick in its place she whispers "Go" she falls to the ground breathing no more.

Emily's lip quivers as she quickly runs out the door and into the streets never to return to the place her mother died ever again.

--------------------END-FLASHBACK---------------------------------------------------------------

"When I was a little girl my father was an abusive drunk who would beat me all the time, or at least he would try to but my mother would always get in the way, but one day things got out of hand and my father killed my mother I ran away and I've been living on the streets ever since!" She sobs dramatically putting her hand to her forehead and sighing.

"I thought your dad was a alcoholic who likes playing poker and works at a leather company" Hotaru says frowning at Emiko.

"That's because he is!" Fuzz exclaims shoving Emiko away from him scowling.

"How would you know" Emiko says pointing at Fuzz.

Fuzz's eyebrows and ears twitched in anger "Because I live with you!" He screamed, exasperated.

"Oh look! A window!" Emiko screams jumping into a random window from the academ. Luckily it was the room they were supposed to take the first exam in. Unluckily for them, they came in about the same time as Ibiki and Emiko slammed right into him.

"Watch where you're going kid!" Tall-dark-and-HOLY-SHIT! said looking down at her "Take your seats" he says looking at the three.

Hotaru opened her mouth to ask a question but stopped when Ibiki glared at her. She gulped and sat in a random open seat towards the back. Fuzz shrugged and took one of the only two seats available. Emiko sat down next to a bored looking boy with a strangely identical hair style to her with a pout. We'll call him Pineapple-Man.

"I'm not going to repeat the rules so you kids are just going to have to take a wild guess at what they are, serves you right for showing up late" He said, shoving his hands into his pockets smirking at their obvious annoyance.

"Start...NOW!"

Everyone picked up their pencils and looked at their test, looks of confusion spread over their faces.

Emiko looked at everyone boredly having already finishing her test which consisted of random sentences she put on her paper as answers. Since she already knew the outcome of the test she decided to take a nap.

Fuzz scowled at the pointless test and crossed his arms watching with sick amusement as random Genin were told they failed. The looks on their faces priceless to him. _These people are such morons._

Hotaru sighed bored and started to doodle sick little pictures that would freak Ibiki out. One of them was a cute little creature which she liked to call, 'Squelchy'. :D And another picture of a random little... dude with a clock lodged in his skull.

Finally after forty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds, the test was over and they could leave that accursed room and get away from the freak of a first Procter. It was then they noticed Emiko was still asleep. Fuzz went to wake her up, but Hotaru stopped him with a wave of her hand.

"I can handle this" She says smiling slyly as she walked over to Emiko. She cracked her knuckles and said sadistically, "Emiko why do I have the feeling your going to get flamed?"

Silence filled the room until a loud scream could be heard through out Kohana.

"DEAR GOD! MY HEAD IS ON FIRE!"

-------

After all the kids were gone, Ibiki started picking up the papers until one caught his eye. Ibiki frowns as he looked at the paper in his hand, eyebrow twitching slightly.

"Who the hell drew this!"


	4. Random Fun

Hotaru sat in a chair that was provided in their new apartment the Hokage gave them to stay in. Her legs were dangling off the side off the chair as she sighed in boredom. Suddenly she had an idea.

"Emiko!" She called excitedly to the girl in the other room.

"What!?"

"Come here!"

"Screw you!"

"Well that entertained me for about, heh, two seconds" She muttered to herself slightly peeved at her sister's retort.

"Bored. Bored. Bored. Bore- Ohh something shiny!"

Something shiny caught her eyes under the sofa across from the chair she currently occupied. She slowly crept up to the item as if it would attack her at any moment, and poked it cautiously.

"Hello, Mysterious Item would you like to entertain me this fine evening?" She asked it a small smile on her face.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"What do you mean my mom's a toaster?! You leave my mother out of this, my mother is a beautiful women and deserves respect from a lowly thing that is you!" She screamed, picking up the item which turned out to be a mirror.

"Ah! Emiko! Fuzz! Get in here quick!" She screamed chucking the mirror across the room in horror. Emiko and Fuzz rushed into the room, kunai in hand in offensive poses only to realize there was no real danger so the put them away.

"What did you interrupt my nappy time for, Baka?" Fuzz asked irritated that he was woken up from his precious nap so Hotaru could be an idiot.

"My appearance changed!" She exclaimed throwing her arms around wildly in the air flopping them around making weird flapping noises.

"You just realized that?" Emiko questioned raising a eyebrow crossing her arms.

"Holy Shiz! You changed too!" Hotaru screamed pointing at her.

"Ugh" Emiko and Fuzz face palmed in unison at their teammate's idiocy.

Hotaru quickly ran to a mirror to see what she looked like. Not much had changed from her regular form except for the fact she had no blemishes, her skin was slightly paler, and her eyes were white, almost blending in with her pupil but was a slightly different shade. Her blood red hair was in two cute small pig tails.

She quickly looked over at her friend Emiko and took in her appearance with wide eyes. Emiko had white/silver hair the same shade as Hotaru's eyes up in a pineapple like fashion and eyes that are blood red. She too had absolutely no blemishes on her face.

"Wow…" She looked at Fuzz.

Fuzz had light tan hair with bits if blonde and orange in it that spiked everywhere. The cat ears perched on top of his head were the same color as his hair. His eyes change color differently everyday. Currently they were pale green but, they could also be gold, blue, and all the colors mixed together.

'**THUD'**

Emiko and Fuzz look at each other and sigh in irritation.

"Should we just leave her there?" Questioned Emiko poking Hotaru with a random stick that had a clock duct taped to it.

"I guess… wanna play Go Fish?" Fuzz looks to her for an answer Emiko just shrugs and plops down on the ground tossing the stick with the clock attached to it across her back and pulled out a deck of cards.

Fuzz smiles and plops down onto Hotaru's unconscious form watching Emiko deal the cards out evenly.

"Got any threes?"

"Go Fish"

--------------------------------------- Meanwhile in Hotaru's head-----------------

"Ugh, my head, where am I?" Hotaru sits up and looks around in confusion.

All a sudden a fat guy with a mustache wearing a stained tu-tu floats down from the sky eating a hot dog. He quickly shoves it down his throat and points at her with a full mouth.

"Mshcome moo mat medifile mand!" He exclaims gesturing to all the creepy fat guys running around with mush stashes.

Hotaru looks around. Everything looked like it belonged to a hippy or Willy Wonka. Rainbows and multi-colored mushrooms were everywhere, lollipops grew off trees and grass was made out of liquorish there was even a water fall made out of skittles! And streams of Soda.

"It's amazing!" She muttered to herself. "Wait! What did you say?"

"Welcome too Fat Pedophile Land!" The Pedophile from the beginning of the dream said. All a sudden all the Creepy Mustache People surrounded Hotaru chanting;

"Rape!"

"RAPE!"

"**Rape!"**

"**RAPE!"**

--------------------Back In The Real World------------------

"Ha I win!" Emiko screeches doing a victory dance around the room.

"Whatever…" Fuzz crosses his arms mad he lost the game.

"AH! No more! Get away you fat ass hat clowns!" Hotaru suddenly awoke screams, then realizing what position she is in, screams "Fuzz, get the fuck off me!" She quickly pushes Fuzz off her launching him across the room.

"You had the dream about the Pedophiles again didn't you" Emiko deadpans raising an eyebrow at her.

Hotaru just nods then walks away muttering to herself about taking a shower to get Fuzz's 'Ass Germs' off of herself.

Fuzz, after getting up, walks over to Emiko and looks at her questioningly.

"Don't ask"

Fuzz just shrugs and goes to his room to take a well deserved nappy nap.


End file.
